On a side note

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fair to her.

All I can do is reflect.

I’m not getting what I had out of the new relationship.

So I constantly compare.

I think I’m done with it.

Then I’m not.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

I guess I just miss having someone to always talk to.

That at least pretends to listen.

And has the ability to do so.

My life man. First world problems.

I hate talking about it because I feel like it’s what conversations always turn to.

I guess that means I haven’t talked about it enough.

I just hate telling the other person because I know they don’t care.

And I know (from being in their shoes) that they think it’s stupid.

That they think that I’m just never going to stop and that I should be over it already.

The truth is I’m not.

It’s hard enough for me to face that let alone tell people that.

When I’m with the girl I’m currently with I forget all these things.

By the end of the night I’m happy.

I guess I’m just a needy bastard.

And I regress to feelings towards my ex when I can’t have it all.

Damn it all! I need someone to always be with me because I’m a wimp.

I guess everything else is a distraction for me.

Besides my studies. That is the one place in which I am truly absorbed.

I guess I should read more.

This is me venting just by the way.

I think it’ll be good to see a friend from high school.

Because she actually listens and will hopefully get me.

God. I hate this. Feeling the need to talk while feeling the need to stop myself.

Fuck.  

Sometimes I hate being a good friend.

All I feel like I do is listen and never talk.

Talk talk talk is all I hear but never are my words heard.

This is my poetic release; personal and touching.

I long for those with whom I can talk to for hours on end.

I long for friends who prefer my company with whom I can talk; and listen.

I don’t know if it’s me or my friends.

Maybe I should keep looking for more.

I feel empty sometimes talking to the ones I currently have.

Searching for a topic to talk about.

Listening to something that I do not care about.

It’s a terrible cycle. 

I think I’m finally 95% if not completely over my ex. 

I thought I was before but she kept appearing in my mind day after day. 

Without consciously bringing her up my mind is free of that.

And I’m able to look at pictures of her and not feel but a tiny tug on my heartstrings.

I was the one who broke up with her and put us both in pretty bad places emotionally.

I think we’re OK now. Maybe I’ll shoot her an apology text and attempt to be friends again considering we share many many friends.

It’s been far too long.

On a side note my fingers smell like a combination of vagina and condom.

It’s been a good day.  

My friends (and roommates) all went to the same high school as me. 

Half the time all they do is bitch about something from high school.

The other half of the time they don’t do anything but watch movies/play video games with themselves.

They are absolutely anti-social and don’t even want to meet people because they’re so elitist and demean people’s intelligence before they even meet them!

I think I’m the only one who has actually made any friends not from my high school. 

Resolution: Maybe it’s time to start looking elsewhere for more friends -_- 

Who don’t do the same stupid shit all day everyday. 

Her second time.

Her first was on Friday. 

I almost want to see it happen just to see what happens. To feel the repercussions of such an action on those that know this person that are somewhat close to him. Almost a social experience to see and understand. I guess it ties into the curiosity that I seem to have about everything around me. I don’t know I’ve always been this way.

Back to suicide. I guess I want to feel something about such a “dreadful” action to society. I want to see what happens to my school, to my peers, and most of all to myself. As existential as it sounds I want to find myself and study that of which surrounds me. Call me a (damned) psychologist/sociologist I’m just curious. 

To God. I don’t understand it. I guess I’m quite the confused child by now. How does one determine that something is better than him if he is not pulled constantly by the strings of a puppeteer?
I was always taught that we, as made in the image of God, are equal to God capable of questioning the reasoning behind the supposed actions or ideas that God has posed.

Yet, other religions believe that submission to a higher power is the way to achieve good karma or favor in the heavens. If this is so, then what is free will? A doctrine of our existence, free will is what drives man to do everything that he does. Unless of course he is subjected to the brute strength of something bigger than himself that is capable of tangible harm to man. Even then, man is free to think and to feel what he wants. With the elimination of free will comes the elimination of being human forever enslaved to the doctrines of those who control you.

That is what I feel about submission to God. Hypocritical in nature and to me somewhat of an excuse for certain actions where they would not normally be practiced.

Which brings up another topic that just popped into my head. Why do we need to follow religions and be submissive to a God who tells us what to do to give ourselves an excuse to do good deeds? I don’t see any reason behind this. Its as if we would not perform these actions without some “higher power” pushing us to do so. Its hard to explain really. Basically I am curious about why we need a positive excuse to do a positive deed. I would rather think the excuse would be necessary in the case of not doing the deed rather than doing it.

“I donated because God says that that is right”
“I donated because I felt that it is right”

The first one provides an excuse for doing a good deed where the second is just doing the good deed. I am thoroughly confused now.

Are we not good people without such an indoctrinating power of which we submit ourselves and commit ourselves to a life of positive excuses? Mark Twain would call us all liars (Read “My First Lie and How I Got Out of It” and then you’ll know what I’m saying).

That is all.

I’ll post about my ideas on sex and abstinence.
Not right now… too tired.